I never want to see another naked old woman again.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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