Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
