I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
