listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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