I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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