look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
