saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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