took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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