dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
