So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
