I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
