I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
