end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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