Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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