How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
