dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
