he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
did i walk over a car last night?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
