Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
