I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
