I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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