Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
