My room smells like vodka and shame
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
