I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
