haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize