My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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