I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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