I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
