I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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