She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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