just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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