My hair reeks of homosexuality.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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