Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
