Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
