He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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