Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
