you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
