I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
