did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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