Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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