Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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