If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i drank out of a bidet.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
