my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just threw up on my dentist
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize