he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
