My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
