im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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