my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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