Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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