the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
