alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
