Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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