Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize