He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
