i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she smelled like a LAN party
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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