I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
