nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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