I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
