your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
