Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
