I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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