I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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