K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
