Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize